As I sit here in a hostel in Vancouver before I head into the second leg of my journey traveling through the states as a solo traveler, I can’t help but have feelings of uneasiness, anxiety and fear. I have waited so long to see the wonders of the world from my own eyes at my own pace and on my own time – and here I am, in the face of this new adventure and while I am excited at the thought of new discoveries, I am desperately seeking refuge from doing this alone. They say, the best way to discover yourself is to spend time with yourself – I used to think that I spent a sufficient amount of “alone” time to myself thinking and pondering without external commentaries. Yet, here I am in a situation no different than being beside myself on a regular day in Toronto; only difference now is, I am thousands of miles away from home and feeling disheartened and dejected knowing that in a few hours when I get on a bus from Vancouver to Seattle and check into a hostel, I have no one to rely on but myself. No one I can trust, no friends to turn to, no familiarity to recognize – and that is what I will know to being completely alone. I have barely begun this phase and already feel the intensity associated with the distance from familiarity and accessibility. It is with this that I realize just how dependant I’ve become on instantaneous accessibility to things and people, taking for granted what it means to rely on yourself.
When I break my ankle and need help, who do I turn to? When I need directions to get around, who will I turn to? When I have thoughts on my mind, who will I share them with? Without the certainty to connection, access to networks or people – I am taking the chance to survive in the world that is out there based on the kindness of humans and the networks of backpackers I come across in hostels and in my journeys.
My heart is racing, my emotions are flustered, there are rats running under my feet in this hostel in Vancouver. Tomorrow, I will begin the real journey of mind, body and soul – alone.
#1 by Satish on July 27, 2010 - 9:03 am
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I miss you
.
#2 by Jon Lim on July 28, 2010 - 11:33 am
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You’re well on your journey, being alone will only make you stronger in the end.
<3
#3 by Cheryl on July 28, 2010 - 8:58 pm
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Hang in there Ang!!
#4 by toni on July 30, 2010 - 3:14 pm
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You can do it! Don’t give up! :]
#5 by Daniel on August 2, 2010 - 11:27 am
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Common Angie you know you have to look at the positive side of the situation
you have technology ANYTIME ANYWHERE now if you get lonely, friends you can always reach out to from across the world, a really good head on your shoulders so that you need to rely on nobody but yourself, and an amazing outlook on life. Soo.. embrace your experience =)
And besides, being alone kind of forces you to make new friends, right?
#6 by Angie Lim on August 3, 2010 - 12:44 am
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That was the first day, the first emotion. Today, I already feel stronger and more certain that this was the best thing I’ve ever done!
#7 by Angie Lim on August 3, 2010 - 12:45 am
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Thanks! It was the first emotion and first thought, but how quickly did it subside as soon as I hit the bus and met my first new traveler friend. Life is beautiful. Beautifully full of coincidences and moments.
#8 by Angie Lim on August 3, 2010 - 12:46 am
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That feeling is no longer lingering, the only ones now are of happiness that this was the best decision I have EVER made
#9 by Angie Lim on August 3, 2010 - 12:47 am
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I absolutely agree. Being alone and making this step was in retrospect one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. Of course you feel moments of certainty, but without those how do you know whether you’re making the right step? The more nervous I feel the more I will persist. I am no longer lonely
#10 by Mark on August 19, 2010 - 7:05 pm
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When I met you in SF, I was nursing a broken collarbone. I broke that on a solo bike ride down the California coast, and I had taken a vow of silence for the ride. I willingly chose to not talk to anyone for duration of my travels, to isolate myself in a blanket of silence. When it first started, I was terrified. I had laminated a card that I would show to people when they approached me, which said “for personal and spiritual reasons I have chosen to spend my journey in total silence. Thank you for respecting my decision and for your flexibility.” However, what started as nerves slowly became total excitement, and beyond that, freedom. I was free to not have to talk to anyone, to instead just be quiet with myself and my thoughts. It was incredible! From looking at your recent comments, you seem to be in a very similar place on your own travels, and I’m stoked to hear that for you. Congrats on tackling this. My journey was much shorter, and ended in injury, but I feel a kindred spirit to your travels. Good luck the rest of the way and I look forward to following the rest of your travels.
#11 by Angie Lim on August 24, 2010 - 12:11 am
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Hey Mark,
Thanks for reading my blog. Before I went on this adventure, I took pride in being one of those people who was “comfortable” spending time with themselves and thought that the solo traveling part would be easy – a few hours/days/weeks alone would be okay. Then I realized that my nerves and fear weren’t from the fact that I was lonely or didn’t have access to aid or familiarity, it was that I had never really given myself a chance to BE ALONE. Completely and utterly alone mentally, away from the dependencies and familiarities we surround ourselves with and that became the real challenge. And you’re right, it was nerve wrecking to say the least at first, but I cannot believe how much bliss I find in solitude now, internal peace is truly a journey. I hope to be able to continue this journey in complete internal peace, despite the externalities associated and hope you will one day be able to resume your ride down the Cali coast!
pura vida,
angie
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